


Untold Stories of Camp Half-Blood Infirmary

by mahalidael



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Jokes, Gen, Medical Inaccuracies, Vomiting, Worms, aka "how many characters can i shove into one joke fic"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 08:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15926945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahalidael/pseuds/mahalidael
Summary: Percy Jackson, savior of Olympus and grown-ass man, had a two liter pop bottle stuck on his penis.Jason skipped laughing and went straight to crying.





	Untold Stories of Camp Half-Blood Infirmary

#  CALIFORNIA, IN A SMALL TOWN OUTSIDE LOS ANGELES

Jason stood outside Percy’s apartment. “Are you going to unlock the door?”

“Hell no!”

“Why not?”

“I’m not standing at the door. What if someone sees me like this?”

“Bro, I don’t even know what ‘like this’ is. You just texted me saying you needed help, and now you won’t let me in.”

“You have a key, Jason.”

“I don’t have it on me.”

Percy sighed. “Don’t open the door until I say you can.”

Jason heard Percy waddle to the door, click the lock open, and then waddle away. What was going on in there?

“Come in.”

Jason opened the door. All appeared well in the tiny apartment, until he saw that the bathroom door was slightly ajar. “You in there?”

“Yeah. Um, don’t judge.”

Jason went into the bathroom, fully prepared to jokingly ask if Percy needed help pushing, before his eyes met Percy’s dead-eyed gaze. Percy was sitting on the closed toilet lid, pants down. When Jason looked lower, at the object sitting on the edge of the toilet like an unfurled white flag, his words evaporated.

Percy Jackson, savior of Olympus and grown-ass man, had a two liter pop bottle stuck on his penis.

Jason skipped laughing and went straight to crying.

MEANWHILE, IN LONG ISLAND

In hindsight, the stabbing victim wasn’t even the worst part of his afternoon.

It was after lunch, but right before dinner, when the shitstorm descended upon the infirmary. This was the time of day when kids got rowdy—they were tired, hungry, and subsequently prone to anger. Nico didn’t experience that. He could scrape by for a while without eating or sleeping, such was his lifestyle.

But this guy was getting on his nerves.

Butch was sitting on the edge of a cot, calm as could be. He was a six-foot tall, two hundred pound wall of dude meat. He also had a wobbling knife sticking out of his chest.

“Can’t I just pull it out and go back to the stables?” he insisted.

“No, Butch!” Nico took out an x-ray. “That thing’s half an inch from your heart!”

“But it’s not  _ in _ my heart.”

“Well. No.”

“So I can pull it out.”

“No! I’m gonna—” Nico took a deep breath. “Will, can you take this one? I need to… count to ten.”

“Sure, babe,” Will affirmed. “There’s a pretty tame case of nausea outside. Go give her some pepto.”

Nico walked out of the infirmary. The antiseptic smell burned his nose the first time he’d gone in, but now it wasn’t even noticeable until he walked outside and got a whiff of fresh air again. A Stoll brother, Nico didn’t remember which one, was dragging a girl with a poofy hairdo towards the infirmary. Oh, great. Drew.

They bickered the whole way inside. “Why are you laughing?”

“No reason.”

“Did you do something to me?”

“Nope.”

“What’s the problem?” Nico asked when Drew eventually hauled herself onto the cot.

“I ate lunch and now I feel like someone’s tap dancing on my stomach. Connor won’t quit  _ giggling _ about it, so I’m betting he poisoned me!” she said, pressing a hand to her chest melodramatically. “His boyfriend gave me a diet pill and every time I turn around they’re making vague jokes about it!”

A straighter man might’ve been vulnerable to such a move, but a straighter man Nico was not. “It’s summer camp, Drew. You probably just have a stomach bug. I can give you pepto bismol for the nausea—”

Drew barfed in Nico’s hair.

Connor smiled incredulously as Drew apologized. Nico didn’t hear any of it, as he was too busy counting to ten. “I’m going to go… yeah.”

Nico walked into the bathroom and screamed at the ceiling. After enjoying that moment of catharsis, he put his head in the sink started frantically washing the vomit out of his hair. Ew, ew, ew. He wasn’t great at otherwise taking care of himself but damn if he wasn’t a stickler for staying clean.

Nico was almost done when he felt something long and stringy in his hair. Great, did Drew eat twizzlers at lunch?

He pulled out the stringy thing, which wiggled in his hand.

Wait, what?

Nico yelped.

He scrambled towards Drew’s bedside, which was already flanked by Will, but never quite made it. Instead, he slipped on a bandage wrapper, hitting the floor, sending the tapeworm in his fist sailing into Drew Tanaka’s lap, where it flailed like a horrible little worm baby in its mother’s arms.

Drew’s jaw dropped. “ _ Tapeworms _ ?!”

Connor keeled over laughing.

“What did you do?” she demanded.

“Oh, gosh! You know that time Mitchell and I accidentally went to Mexico? That’s where we bought the diet pill.”

“You horrible little man!”

“Pee your pants.”

“I’LL PEE  _ YOUR _ PANTS!” Drew said, jumping to her feet and punching Connor Stoll in the throat.

Nico was still lying face-down on the ground as Will wrestled Drew back into the bed. This was when an Iris Message rang him, Jason’s face wiggling into hazy existence as he looked up from the infirmary floor.

“Nico, you’re not gonna believe this!”

BACK IN CALIFORNIA

“So, is this, like, a normal thing for him? Does Percy just—he hung up,” Jason sputtered. “Oh gods. This is the best day of my life.”

“Jason, I’m glad you’re having a good time, but it’s turning purple. We gotta do something about this,” Percy said, holding his head in his hands.

“I—oh gosh. You have any butter?”

“Jason. If I hadn’t already tried that, I wouldn’t have called you. You think I just dragged you over here to have my best friend rub butter on my dick like some kind of shitty porno—is that the  _ fucking _ fire alarm?” Percy said.

“That’s the fire alarm,” Jason confirmed over the ringing. He stuck his head out into the apartment hallway, where he saw an old woman with a glass eye. “What’s going on?”

The old woman said, “Eh, it’s probably just a false alarm, sonny—” One of the apartment doors opened, and a black plume of smoke wooshed out into the hall. “Or not, holy fuck! Let’s get out of here!”

“Just let me die, bro,” Percy moaned.

“Put on a coat or something! The building’s on fire!”

Percy angrily ran into the other room, and came out with a bedsheet wrapped around himself in mimicry of a toga. One which happened to have an enormous tent in the crotch. “Friends, Romans, countrymen, please ignore my  _ ten-inch boner _ for the rest of this goddamn funeral, Jason, I can’t do this!”

“There’s gotta be something!” Jason cried as the room began to fill with smoke. Suddenly, he had an idea. “...We ride together, we die together.” And with the utmost seriousness of a president about to push the big red button, he said: “Where’s your fridge?”

Outside the apartment complex, the legionnaires had dragged water cannons into the street. “Fire!” Frank ordered.

The cannons went off, dousing the building. It might’ve been considered overkill for Frank to be there, but the complex was pretty close to the senate hall, and heaven forbid that be set on fire. Now he’d have to report back to Reyna that—

Frank’s train of thought came screeching to a halt.

Two men were crossing the road. They were both wearing ski masks, and only one other thing.

Water bottles. Right on their penises.

Frank’s world shrunk down to just him, the sight before him, and the water bottles.

The one with dark hair shot him finger guns before running into the bushes.

LONG ISLAND (FOR THE LAST TIME, I SWEAR, THEN YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS FIC AGAIN)

“I cannot believe those idiots made me shadow travel for this,” Nico groaned.

Percy and Jason were in infirmary beds. They both had bottle-shaped tents at their crotches.

The final straw was when Leo came in covered in grease. That wasn’t the bad part. The bad part was that he was holding bolt cutters, which Nico had actually asked for, but he didn’t ask for what happened next.

Leo jumped right up to Nico, right in front of Percy’s bed, with the bolt cutters, screaming “Guess what I’m gonna cut off!”

“The knife! It’s for the knife!” Nico cried as Percy raced off.

**Author's Note:**

> btw, this is canon to inferno. this terrible fic is why percy has an ice pack on his dick in that one chapter
> 
> also, lucretia is there if you pay attention


End file.
